The Clavicle Journey

I had a great experience today!  I got a prescription for physical therapy from the surgeon yesterday and today was my first appointment.  I had never been in physical therapy, but in my mind I thought I was going to sit across from a woman as she told me to squeeze a tennis ball for 10 minutes.  She would then bill my insurance company $150 and I would come back and do it again in a few days.  Boy, was I wrong!

It was so educational.  The guy’s name was Bill Garcia and he was just fantastic.  We spent an hour and a half together and it was all hands on: testing, feeling, prodding, palpitating, stretching.  At the end of the session he told me that all the tests point to the conclusion that I will have 100% recovery — and fairly quickly at that!  It was music to my ears.

It seems that the median nerve that starts up at C6 and travels under the clavicle, down the arm, and into the hand, was injured in the accident.  By pressing on C6 he was able to create some nice pinprick sensations in my middle and ring finger.  This human body we live in is like magic.  He then manipulated my wrist into a position where I was able to close my hand completely without pain!  He gave me five exercises to do three or four times a day… they will help me speed the healing.  Did you know that nervous regenerate at a rate of 1 mm per day?  Human anatomy for $500, Alex…  Buzzz… thank you for playing.

Bill pulled out this very cool anatomy book — every single part of the body in full color.  We followed the median nerve on its entire course and I can see exactly why my hand is feeling this way.  Heck, they can even do that when I take my car in for service.  Amazing stuff.  When you thumb through a book like that it makes you realize exactly how small anything you do during your brief stay on earth really is.  You invented something that cleans a golf ball faster?  Big deal buddy — take a look at this!  Miles of tissue, veins, nerves, and vessels that all lead to the exact right place .  Now go clean your ball.

I did all the exercises today and I feel so good.  My arm has been hanging in a sling for one month — stagnant, still.  The passive movement exercises he gave me, along with a cervical traction device, took me from a pretty low morning (I’m not even going to talk about the dream I had last night), to a darn high night.  I see the light

New rule: physical therapy is good.  I didn’t see a tennis ball in the entire place.

Back on terra firma after six nights at sea — so nice to be back in a La-Z-Boy   I never thought I’d say that sentence.  My last blog was from Ensenada Mexico and the cruise ended up being a fantastic experience.  Lots of relaxing with nice views of the ocean, and great times with our other family friends.  Too much food and not enough exercise — the cruise ship mantra.  Not enough exercise… I can even get started on that one.

After the cruise we spent two nights in San Diego on our aunt and uncle’s yacht.  We have a great visit with them every year and this was no exception.  I got to seriously test the warning on the side of my medicine bottle that states alcohol may intensify the effects of these drugs — it’s true.  Lots of deep sleep in my upright position was made possible courtesy of Norco 10 with a Corona chaser.

I don’t think my clavicle is any worse off from the trip.  I was very careful and laid low most of the time.  The big water slide into the pool, the ping-pong table, and the dance floor all had an easier cruise due to my limitations.

Today I went to see the doctor for my second postoperative visit.  More x-rays showing my clavicle healing nicely.  My doctor said he was very concerned about the swelling and numbness in my two fingers and I told him, “Welcome to the Club!”.  He has me set up to go see a hand specialist and begin physical therapy for loosening up my shoulder and releasing some of the pressure on the nerves causing my finger pain.  It’s a long, ugly road that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.  Heck, I’m sorry I had to take it.  We had to cancel another slew of shows today as I realize my hand will not allow my hopes to manifest.  I’m looking at early May at this point for returning to work.

As much as that depresses me, I have been doing a lot of reading and studying and it’s led me to some new products that I am working to develop.  Pretty exciting stuff that I never would have come up with if it weren’t for all this down time.  I have been filling my head with thoughts and education that are not a part of the day to day life of a traveling entertainer.  I’m spending at least six hours a day putting these ideas together and will be attending a seminar in Chicago in late April or I will nail them down.  More specifics to follow… for now I’m just noting how I’m spending some of my time and letting you know that my mind is open and by no means focusing on the downside.

We got home from San Diego at 1:30 in the morning after an an inspired, commando-style, display of driving from Annie.  Zed was fast asleep in the back seat and I couldn’t resist — I picked him up and carried him in left-handed.  Man, that felt so good.  It could be what I missed more than anything else.

I’ve been thinking about bike riding quite a bit and I’m not sure it’s to be a part of my life anymore.  That is subject to change, of course, but I can’t see doing anything that might put me back in this condition.  I should probably rule out driving, walking, playing, and just leaving the house in general.  Perhaps I can start with some very easy bike rides and slowly build my confidence back up.  Part of me wishes I wiped out on a really gnarly segment of the ride, or that I was being reckless, or looking away, or even daydreaming.  I could just correct those flaws in the future.  But when my accident happened I was alert, balanced, and the ground could not have been smoother.  Avoiding terrain like that on a bike ride would require me getting a stationary bike and parking it in my garage.  I know full well it was a freak accident, but freak accidents don’t come with a guarantee that they won’t happen again.  Then on the other side of the coin there is the fact that I’ve been riding bikes for over 40 years and never fell before.

There’s still a lot of life left ahead of me and this experience has certainly reminded me of how precious time is, and how delicate health can be.  I hope to never be laid up again, but I have learned that it is survivable.  Very tough on a lot of levels, but I feel our family  rising to the challenge daily, and I am so thankful for that strength — wherever it is coming from.

So here is a weird sentence to begin a blog entry — especially when the blog focuses on recovering from a broken clavicle: I’m sitting at an Internet coffee house in Ensenada Mexico .  Hey, it can’t all be about sitting in a Lazy Boy chair, can it?

This is a great place that one of the crew members from the ship told me about.  Excellent latte (I have already had two and am seriously considering a third), Caesar salad, cheesecake… I’m getting fat and resting my arm — so sue me!

Annie and Zed are walking around in Ensenada with a whole bunch of friends.  It’s a perfect day here.

It’s so funny to be a passenger on a cruise ship.  I have no sound check, no setup, I haven’t even met the cruise director — very different from the last hundred cruises I’ve been on!  I like it.  My favorite part, by far, is getting to enjoy my family without having Annie cook or clean!  We have been having a lot of fun in between me taking my pain medications and naps.

A few nights ago it dawned on me, while freaking out over my still swollen finger and right-hand, that perhaps my middle finger was broken in the accident.  Annie and I were feeling it and there was this little ridge on the top that we couldn’t find on the other hand.  I went down to the infirmary and had them take an x-ray of my right hand.  I met with the doctor and the good news is that my hand is fine.  The doctor did remind me that every minute I am awake I should be squeezing, flexing, exercising my hand while keeping my clavicle immobilized.  It seems that I have been a bit lazy about it because, frankly, it hurts when I first start moving it.  I have been pushing through the initial pain and flexing it constantly.  Guess what?  The swelling is going down!  It’s still puffy, but I probably should have been moving it like this for a couple weeks now and I have only been doing about 30 minutes a day total.  My bad.

There’s no juggling show on this cruise… bummer.  There are a couple of comedians and a magician and I have been enjoying the shows.  And Zed has as well .  He likes those silly dance routines with the big headdresses.  He wasn’t digging the comedian, but I told him he should watch how the comedian works… how he waits for the laugh — he said he will tonight.

Annie went out dancing with all the girls last night and they were out till 1:30 in the morning.  She hasn’t done that in a long time and it sounded like so much fun.  She said she’s paying the price for that fun today — I told her that there’s nothing like a walk around downtown Ensenada to make you feel young again.  Yeah, right.  I just hope she doesn’t come back to the room with a whole bunch of sombreros, T-shirts, and velvet paintings of dogs playing poker.

I invented a new game which may be of interest to others who are reading this while recovering from a clavicle injury: take your week and and squeeze your good hand.  Try to see if you can make your good hand hurt worse than your bad hand!  When you can do this, I think you’re over halfway to healed!  That is not a scientific test and, as always, check with your physician before beginning this or any other program.  For me it’s been kind of fun.

Daniel and I got invited to a very cool festival in Dublin for June.  I think we’ll take the families along and turn it into a two-week trip around Ireland.  It’s opportunities like this that will keep me squeezing his hand together and movement through the pain towards a full recovery.  I will have to take Daniel out to dinner at some point — I’m sure it wasn’t a great phone call to get when I called to tell him about my accident and that he would have two months off with no pay

Stay safe — Barry

I always know when it’s been a couple of days without a blog entry… the calls and e-mails start coming in.  It’s fantastic, really, to have so many hearts and minds checking in with us throughout this process.  Thank you to everybody who has been there for us with meals, e-mails, phone calls, visits, and care packages!  Yes — good old-fashioned US Mail care packages.  Folks — it’s just a shattered collarbone

Progress report: the last few days have been a bit tricky.  The day after the doctor visit was really tough as I was up and in my sling for over six hours of the day.  Up until that point I hadn’t probably logged a full hour on my feet since the accident.  Lots of pain, coupled with my stubbornness against taking pain pills led to a pretty miserable late afternoon/evening.  I wasn’t doing anything heroic on my feet, just being up and using my left arm does, to some extent, work my broken clavicle — especially compared to just resting it on the side of the La-Z-Boy.  I did go out in the yard for about a half hour with Zed and underhand pitch him baseballs.  The dude is whacking them all over the yard!  I’m sorry, but broken clavicle or not, a guy’s got to help his kid hit a baseball.  It’s primal.

The last couple of days I’ve been adding leg exercises to the healing process.  Walls sits, leg lifts, and using a towel for resistance — this is a radical downgrade in my typical exercise program, but it feels good to be doing something for the parts of my body that are still well.

There is something about baby steps that I have always shied away from.  When I started exercising, I went straight for triathlons.  When I wanted to fly airplanes I couldn’t consider stopping before I had my commercial license.  When I played with ham radios, of course I had to get my Extra Class license.  Those are three examples… I’m editing out the other 10 I have in mind right now — no reason to fully exposed the depths of my sickness

The point is, this accident is helping me to experience life in smaller bites.  I mean, wall sits?  Three weeks ago I couldn’t have been bothered.  The cost/benefit ratio would not have made any sense to me.  Now I am embracing that time, thankful that I can do those.  What else am I doing since the accident that I was “leaving on the table” because it was too simple, too easy, not worthy?  Another list for a future post, I assure you.

Grip strength in the right-hand is getting better!  Tonight, with the help of a good friend who came over and did a real-life hands-on healing to me, I was able to make my first complete fist in three weeks .  It feels so good to be able to do such a simple function.  My fingers are still swollen and the surgeon says that’s fine.  There’s a reason they say eight to 12 weeks for recovery — that’s how long it takes, regardless of what we hope.  Back to the baby steps handbook for me

So here’s the new plan — tomorrow we are leaving for a four night cruise to Mexico.  I’ve been staring at the same walls for three weeks now and it’s time for a new view.  I’m excited for Annie to not have to cook and clean, for Zed to not wake up and see me in this La-Z-Boy, and for myself to interface with the world again.  It’s a wild idea in the middle of recovery, but we got the doctors blessings and a hankering for adventure.  I’ll be the guy on the Lido deck in a lounge chair.  I performed on my first cruise ship 21 years ago, and have done at least one each year since.  This’ll be my first time with a ticket that I paid for… hey — I can actually complain if something goes wrong.

So the blog might be quiet for a few days my friends, but know that we are taking care of business — the healing business.

Time goes slowly in a La-Z-Boy, and to be honest, I’m ready for a week in real-time.

Stay safe — Barry

I left the house today for the first time in 11 days. I step out onto the deck every day, breathe in the magnificent views of the snowcapped mountains of Tahoe, but I hadn’t seen any other houses or cars since the surgery. Everything looked so much more beautiful than I remembered it.

When Daniel and I performed at the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland for a whole month a few years ago, I actually got used to seeing a 16th century castle on my walk to work. The first time I saw it I remember managing something like, “oh my God… it’s so beautiful”, as the hair on my arms stood at attention. As the days went on the visceral reactions lessened, and it just became part of the landscape.

Riding shotgun today up our driveway, I got to see the hundreds of manzanita trees, bright red dirt, and the openness of our rural home through those new eyes again. Another unexpected gift from the busted clavicle.

The journey out was not random. I am in such a mode of recovery that I spend every possible moment either in the lazy boy chair, or the Jacuzzi. Getting into a car was under doctor’s orders. I had my first follow-up appointment with the surgeon. He shot two new x-rays and said they were better than he could have hoped! He put them up on the screen and challenged Annie and me to find the breaks — it looked beautiful. He followed up by saying that he wanted me to pretend I didn’t hear that, in other words keep doing exactly what I’ve been doing: sitting. He told us that while it is healing so well, I’m one quick movement away from having those cracks easily visible again. So while it was promising, it was not a hall-pass to go be me again. I fully accept all of that and will be a good dog. Sit. Stay.

He pulled off the stitches and I told him all of the various feelings and pains that I have had since the surgery. I showed him that I could still barely close my right hand, and that my middle and ring finger are still swollen. All normal and exactly as he would expect. He recommended to keep exercising the finger, wrist, and elbow and I should see an improvement on all of these issues by our next visit — March 20.

I’ve had a couple of nice visits over the past two days from two really good friends. The first one was from my friend Izzy with whom I usually run and/or juggle. What a beautiful two-hour talk we had in my living room after Zed had gone to sleep, and Annie was out with friends. I’m not sure I can remember a time in recent memory when I just sat, drink tea, and talked with a friend without my mind or body thinking about what was next. I really enjoyed it. As I’ve question before in this blog, did it have to take a broken clavicle to slow me down? Perhaps… I hope that next time it won’t.

My other visit was with my friend Ken. He knows a lot more about physical restrictions than I will ever know. He is a real bright light in a situation where darkness would be so easy. He drives a car to get around, but, due to M.S., he uses a Segway for any ‘footwork’. That guy lives his life with grace.

I’ve realized a lot of things will sitting in this chair. Tonight I want to see if I can put them in some sort of a list form, just so I can take them in at once — instead of the fragments I see them in throughout the day.

1. My left hand is much more talented than I ever imagined
2. When you see your kid hurt and you say, “I would rather have had it happen to me than him”, it’s actually true.
3. Calmness of body brings calmness of mind
4. Accepting generosity graciously still isn’t easy.
5. These are the first shows I’ve missed in 25 years.
6. It’s really hard to read a book with only one hand.
7. Although I’m only taking one pain pill per day (I’m prescribed for up to 12), I see how people could become hooked on them.
8. I have a lot of friends all over this world who have heard about my accident and have sent their love.
9. The term “fully recovered” must only apply to the physical body. After this much time to think, my brain will be different.
10. I will never again take for granted the simple pleasure of laying on either my stomach, or my back.
11. After 2 1/2 years of triathlon training, I miss it much more on the mental level than the physical level. That surprises me.
12. After almost 5 years of holding Zed every day I’m with him, I miss that on every level. That doesn’t surprise me.
13. Annie can do so many household tasks that she never owned up to!
14. There are some smart people in this world. Here is the datasheet for the pin inside my clavicle.
15. Annie absolutely loves knowing where I am all the time

I’m toying with the idea of putting up a “La-Z-Boy Cam”. Is the world ready for that?

Barry

It’s been a couple days since my last entry here, and I sure have heard about it from my friends.  With all the good negativity piped in through cables and satellites, who thought a little blog about getting better would keep readers?

I was telling you about the little nerves I keep feeling in my hands and fingers — those have continued and increased in both quantity and strength.  And I love that!  The tips of my middle two fingers are still experiencing numbing, but if I had to say if it’s better or worse, I’m definitely getting better.  I keep thinking it’s a slow road, but I always have a week ago to think about — where was I a week ago?

One of the nicest points of each day has been first thing in the morning when Zed comes in and wakes me up.  We go out in the Jacuzzi and I get to work on all kinds of range of motion exercises with my arm floating.  So nice to have the gravity missing.  Except for that time in the water, I am really staying with the sling.  Not putting any weight on the healing collarbone which is feeling very strong and stable right now.  At night before going to bed, I have a site I like to look at that shows photos of bone marrow.  I stare at them and place my hand over my broken collarbone and picture the bone filling, producing more of that good stuff.

I’ve been getting into the nighttime juggling shows with Zed!  We’ve been juggling three and four scarves between us with my good hand and both of his.  The last couple of nights we’ve done diabolo with each of us using one hand stick.  We’ve come up with some really funny tricks and he just laughs so hard.  We videotaped him doing a whole bunch of Diablo stuff two nights ago in his Spiderman costume.  We are going to piece something together next week from all the footage — will post it here when it’s ready.

Tuesday at 11 o’clock we are going back to visit the surgeon.  I will get to see new x-rays and see how it has reconnected in 10 days.  Definitely excited to see that.

We had a beautiful snowstorm early last week and the snow hung around the house for a few days.  From our deck I can see the snow on the mountains in Tahoe.  Makes me want to go skiing, but my season pass for Sugar Bowl will most likely not be used again this year.  I will miss doing that with Zed as he picked it up so quickly.

Been watching a lot of standup comedy movies — 1 hour specials.  I really feel good in my heart and in my organs after 60 minutes of laughing.  10 years ago I read Norman Cousins book Anatomy of an Illness.  It documented recoveries that were augmented with humor therapy.  I feel like a case study.  Doing just about zero pain medications because I am just enjoying the feelings of everything reconnecting so much, I do not want to numb it out.

The only part of this entire recovery that I am having a hard time coming to terms with is the lack of exercise.  Triathlons, and training for them, were a big part of my life before the accident.  Not being in the pool at 5:45 a.m. on a snowy morning really sucks.  I know that will all come back in time — although the spring and summer 2007 triathlon season will surely pass me by.  With luck I might be in shape for Xterra Lake Tahoe in September.

I love my wife and our community who continue to make this experience better than I ever imagined it could be.  And a huge thank you to Ursula in Colorado Springs who sent me pure gold in the form of the world’s best banana bread.

Barry

I had this realization tonight while I was putting Zed to sleep: I had an airline ticket to St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands for today. Tomorrow I was supposed to jump onto a Royal Caribbean cruise ship for a week and do two shows in a beautiful theater one of the nights. Dan and I do cruise ships two weeks a year because we have a great time and usually come out of it with a bunch of new jokes for our show.

My realization tonight was that if I had landed on my head in the accident instead of my shoulder I probably would have killed myself and today would’ve been my funeral. So being here a lazy boy chair, still able to put my boy to bed, with lots of time to think, write, and create my life, is a pretty darn good outcome!

I know the hotel in St. Thomas where we stay the night before boarding a ship very well. I leave my room and within two minutes I am at the shore of the Caribbean and there’s nothing like a midnight swim out around the dozen ships that are docked a couple hundred yards offshore. I was there last year with Annie and Zed and did two laps around the ships followed by an hour of watching Zed float on his back in the buoyant, salty Caribbean.

On the other end of the extreme, I’ve never died in a bike accident but I have to imagine it sucks. All you can hope is that it happens instantly and that you don’t spend weeks or months or years wishing it would end. And that I would never have to look down and catch a picture of his life going on without me.

So laying there reading to Zed tonight, feeling dozens of new tingling nerves in my numb fingers, I realize just how lucky I am. All that while reading a chapter book to my little boy in three different character voices.

I am in awe of the human mind.

Guess what?

I showered and dressed myself today!

Yeah, that is what just rocked my world

Barry

PS… I just changed this blog so you can leave comments if you’d like.  I’ve gotten so many great e-mails from friends around the world, but please feel free to leave them here on this blog!

I meant to write last night… there was so much good to share. But right before I was going to write, I wanted to take care of something that I had been meaning to do for the last few days — update my Netflix list. One of the movies I have, Mr. Rogers at the Circus, I’ve had since June 06! Suffice it to say that Netflix likes having us as customers.

So I go to the site, start to move movies around, and then I see this link: Watch Movies Online Now!

You’ve got to be kidding me?! (Yes folks, this blog entry will dwell in the shallow end)

Now I’m in my prone position with a notebook computer in my lap and a wireless connection to my cable modem, and my mind instantly deduces that the quality of the picture and audio will be horrendous. WRONG!! I brought up something lightweight just to check the quality (Ron White: They Tall Me ‘Tater Salad) and it was perfect — and funny! I sat in my chair and cracked up — big belly laughs that actually hurt — for 60 minutes. Good medicine.

Annie came in right when it was finishing and I told her how amazing it was. As we scanned the catalog of available movies, we felt like a couple of rednecks in the middle of an old-growth forest with brand-new chainsaws! (Sorry for the analogy — can’t spend an hour with Ron White and not have your vibrational level lowered to some extent) We settled on a film that we had wanted to see for a while (The World’s Fastest Indian) and enjoyed the first hour of it before pausing it to go to sleep. The moral the story is, if you’re a member of a program, log onto their website at least once a year to see what new offerings they have.

And now we return to yesterday’s blog entry

I was so honored to feel something that greatly humbled me yesterday: I believe I felt my nerves rerouting themselves! Now if there’s a doctor out there saying, “This guy is on crack”, let me know, but here’s what I believe I felt. Every 10 or 15 minutes for most of the day, I would feel what could best be described as a firm pinprick in my middle or ring finger. It didn’t hurt so much as amuse me. It was exciting to feel something so definite in these areas that have been numb since the accident. Is it possible that the nerves are rerouting, sending a signal, and making sure my brain feels the signal? My numbing yesterday was down about 20% and it felt so good. The very tips still feel like pieces of meat, but the feeling is moving higher and I’m getting all kinds of those little signal checks today as well.

I got such a wonderful e-mail message from my father-in-law who put some new perspective into my thinking:

“I was just musing that after a major impact with the ground resulting in a smashed shoulder, tingling could be good – better than the alternative of – nothing.”

Amen! Although I wasn’t, sometimes I tend to operate like a guy who was born in Missouri — The Show Me State. I hadn’t even gone there in my mind. I should be dancing on the ceiling (will my sling still work?) that I have tingling! This just donned on me, I’m pretty sure my father in law was born in Missouri! It’s all coming together now.

Did a ton of hand therapy with the Play-Doh while we were watching the movies and that has to be the best thing I could do. Keeping ice on the shoulder, eating a lot of Bone Up calcium, eating Chinese herbs my acupuncturist gave me, and keeping the arm supported in the sling — it was a very good day for healing.

Our good friend Catherine brought over such a yummy dinner and as she was leaving, snow in the Sierra foothills began to fall hard. We were hoping she’d get up our long driveway and home safely. Annie and Zed went to play and build snowmen, bury treasure, and have a snowball fight and I enjoyed watching through the window.

A tree fell over and took down the power lines at one friend’s house, then our dear friend called with the unfortunate results of her biopsy, and other close friends called to tell us that their baby boy had been born.

More perspective.

Life is a roller coaster, friends, and the more involved in it you are, the more twists, turns, and loop-the-loops you experience.

The first snowman of 2007 — on February 28!
Was Al Gore right?

I met with a new doctor yesterday for evaluation, followed by treatment.

Here’s the best and worst thing about being in a relationship with someone for over 20 years: they are the on the spot, no holds barred, don’t even try and BS truth detector you can ever have. And that comes in either handy, or inconvenient. Handy if you think you did something really well and they show up to issue a much-needed reality check. Inconvenient if you were me yesterday.

I slacked on my blog.

It’s not the crime of the century, but I got busted big time by the one that counts.

Seeing as my arm is hanging on by a couple millimeters of bone marrow, she took it easy on me. But when it comes to writing, we’ve always been brutally honest with each other. Thank God.

“What I love about your writing is that you always create something, poke it in the belly with a knife, and let us see what’s inside. Last night you had no knife.”

Of course, she’s right. Doing a blog means that you think you have something to say that is worthy of the time somebody will spend to read it. If it doesn’t pass that test, it’s called a journal entry and it should be saved on your hard drive. It’s why just about everybody who’s ever self-published a book has a garage full of inventory, it probably wouldn’t have passed the test.

Of course all this preamble begs the question, “why didn’t I just go in and fix yesterday’s entry?”. I thought about it. I opened the file, read through it, realized how right Anne was, and then closed the file knowing that I wasn’t going to heal this thing by cheating myself out of the lessons it offers. That was the mistake I made yesterday, I have no desire to make it again today.

In a blog you’re the subject, author, editor, and publisher — truly a form of journalism without a check and balance system. The whole idea seems a little narcissistic, in fact, unless the goal of the text is to offer the reader some enrichment. Well tonight, I’m pulling out my stone, sharpening my knife, and whittling us a direct path to the my core.

So yesterday I said it was a “pretty tough night”. Hell, I wish it was a ‘tough night’. I laid there for two hours, alone, in tears, trying to get the negative thoughts and images out of my head. I don’t even remember it ending — all of a sudden it was 7:00 a.m., and people were waking up. I tried to imagine how I’d ever be able to tighten this right-handed grip again. In the middle of the night the Angels that tell you ‘everything is going to be okay’ are nowhere to be found. I couldn’t even force an image into my head that looked like me juggling again. It was apathy — no, even worse — it was pessimism.

I have put off holding a juggling prop since the accident. I thought about trying to hold something — a club, a ball, anything that might give me some scale of comparison for how messed up I am. I held off because I wasn’t ready for the answer. Spontaneously picking up that juggling ball turned out to be the worst thing I could have done. I wasn’t ready for the results of the comparison.

While pussyfooting around the painful stuff, I skipped right over the good stuff. Watching Zed, who turns five next month, instantly adapt to his new physical relationship with me, has been nothing short of astounding. He comes over to me with as much energy as ever, but a control that I have never seen before kicks in at about 2 feet away. He places both hands gently on either side of my shoulder, closes his eyes, and tells me he’s fixing it. He was leaving my bedroom today, got to the door, and said, “I have to come let you out of the chair!”. That’s a five-year-old stepping out of the id without prompting. At night he had me sit down on the couch and performed a juggling show for me right before he went to bed. All by himself, laughing so hard, throwing and catching and spinning and floating objects around his body.

Lots to be thankful for — sorry I left out the dessert.

Contemplating my shallow comments about ‘keeping a positive attitude about recovery’, I realize how ridiculous that is. I’ve never had to think about recovery. I certainly never had a positive attitude that I hope to ‘keep’. Discover one? Pray for one? Create one? Let me try these on. If I’m lucky and persistent, I’ll be able to squeeze into one. I can’t keep something I never had — that’s crazy talk. Man, I was totally phoning in that paragraph. Slam dunk for Annie!

And just when I thought I was going to stop testing this hand, Denise brought over such a present. This very pliable Play-Doh that she made for me. For all the bad information the beanbag ball gave me, this stuff offers hope. I have barely put it down today! I can squeeze through the entire range of motion — feeling my nerves building, reconnecting, strengthening.

We had these delicious vegan tamales for dinner tonight, courtesy of Julie and Mark. More thanks to our community for the unending support through this time.

Surrounding myself with light to fend off the darkness… goodnight.